This Time with Love: A Christian Romance (The McKinleys Book 1) Read online

  First, he owed Staci an apology. The man he’d been six years ago was a person he wasn’t proud of. That man had been prideful, determined to get what he wanted. And what he’d wanted was Ana. He’d treated her badly—not in a physically abusive way—but he’d controlled the relationship from the start. He’d manipulated her into what he wanted her to be.

  She’d been so young—twenty to his twenty-six—and so naïve that it had been relatively easy. So easy that he hadn’t even realized what he was doing until well after things between them had ended. He knew now it had come from a place of fear. He hadn’t known how to be in a relationship—not a real loving one—so he’d done his best to make sure he was never vulnerable to her by controlling all aspects of their interactions.

  Along with that apology, Eric had decided to give her what she wanted. She’d made it clear she wanted him out of her life. He overruled her because he wanted answers. Once again putting his wants and needs ahead of hers. It was time for that to change. He’d go see her on Sunday and let her know that this time he really was going to leave her alone.

  “Knock, knock.” Victoria tapped the back of his hand with her knuckles. “What are you thinking?”

  “That I’ve found Staci in order to try to make things right but nothing more. It’s what she wants.”

  “Do you think she’s prayed about it?” Victoria asked.

  “What?”

  “Do you think she’s prayed about wanting you out of her life?”

  “I haven’t a clue,” Eric admitted, intrigued by Victoria’s observation.

  “Then maybe you should ask her that the next time you see her.”

  Eric smiled at his sister whose faith was so much stronger than his own. “I just might do that.”

  The empty suitcase remained where she’d put it almost a week ago. Clothes still sat in organized piles, taken from and added to as needed. Unfortunately, she’d needed a few more things in the past couple of days. The flu had done a number on her little girl. Starting Friday night, it had been constant upchucking and diarrhea. Her washing machine had gotten a work-out.

  Thankfully, things had slowed through the night and the last stomach upset had been just before midnight. Sarah had finally fallen asleep around one o’clock, woken around seven and spent the morning watching television. Staci had managed to give her bits of cracker and ginger ale every twenty minutes or so. She’d been so relieved that Sarah had kept it down. Hopefully, they’d turned the corner.

  She’d kept her home from church though Sarah had begged to go see Miriam and her friends in Sunday school. Staci felt guilty that she’d been glad for an excuse to stay home. Knowing that Eric had the name of her church made it a place that was no longer safe. Sooner or later she’d go back, but it had been too soon.

  Staci finished folding the sheets she’d had to wash after the last bout of sickness. Sarah had gone down to sleep just fifteen minutes ago. Hopefully, she’d sleep for several hours. Staci needed a little downtime herself. Her heart went into overdrive whenever Sarah was ill.

  She carried the folded sheets to the hall closet and put them on a shelf. As she closed the closet, the doorbell rang. Though a sound machine in Sarah’s room masked most of the noise, Staci didn’t want to take the chance that the doorbell might wake her. She ran down the stairs, reaching the door just as the bell rang again. She jerked it open.

  She froze when her gaze collided with hard dark one.

  “I want to see my daughter.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  STACI gripped the edge of the door so tightly pain shot through her palm. Panic exploded within her along with regret that she hadn’t taken Sarah and run when she’d had the chance. She should have known, but she’d been so reluctant to rip Sarah away from all she’d known. Now her world was going to change anyway, and there was nothing Staci could do to stop it.

  “I want to see my daughter.”

  Although he didn’t step any closer, his presence pressed at Staci in a palpable way. Sparks of anger flecked his intense gaze. Staci had seen it before—his anger—but it had never been directed at her. In their two years together, Staci had always done what he’d wanted, so he’d never vented his anger in her direction.

  She took a deep breath. “Eric? What are you doing here?”

  His eyes narrowed and she saw his jaw tense. “Let’s not play games. I know you have a daughter, and I know she’s mine.”

  Staci tried to mentally flip through all possible responses. Denial didn’t seem like an option—not to mention, it would be a lie. How she handled things now could make a big difference in how it all played out. “You’d better come in. But please, keep your voice down. She’s sleeping.”

  Eric didn’t look at her as he stepped past her into the hallway. Just seeing him there—in her home—sent her already-fragile emotions into overdrive. She closed the door behind him then led the way into the living room. He made a beeline for the pictures on the mantel over the fireplace. Staci stood quietly, watching as Eric took in the chronicle of Sarah’s life. Her most recent picture had been added just last week. The one where her little size was most obvious. That was the one he picked up.

  He turned back toward her, his gaze still fastened on the picture. “Her name is Sarah?”

  “Yes.” Staci crossed her arms. “Who told you?”

  Eric looked up. “Your friend inadvertently let it slip at church this morning. I guess she didn’t realize it was supposed to be a secret.”

  “I never told her to keep it a secret,” Staci admitted. “I never realized it would be…necessary.”

  Eric took a step toward her, the picture pressed to the breast of his jacket. “And why wasn’t it necessary?”

  Staci gripped the sleeves of her sweater. “You made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that there would be no marriage. No kids.”

  “That night—that last night before I left for Africa—you knew, didn’t you?”

  Staci shook her head. “I didn’t find out until a few weeks later. By then I’d already left LA.”

  Eric turned away. “You should have told me.”

  “Really?” Staci took a step toward him, embolden by the anger that flared to life within her. “I should have told you so that you could do what? Marry me? We already know that wasn’t going to happen. More than likely you would have told me to get rid of it.” Though Eric had his back to her, she saw his shoulders jerk at her words. “You can’t deny it. You would have told me to do what I had to do to rid our lives of the inconvenience of a child.”

  Eric set the picture back on the mantel. He shoved his hands into his pockets. When he turned back to face her, he looked like he’d aged ten years. “You’re right. I probably would have. I guess we have God to thank for giving you the wisdom to not tell me. I wish I could say that I would have done the right thing—married you, taken responsibility for the child—but we both know that would be a lie. I was a very different person back then, A…Staci. Believe me when I say that I won’t be making the same mistake twice.”

  “So you just plan to walk into her life and take over? It’s what you’ve always done best, isn’t it?” Tremors grabbed at Staci’s legs, and she had to gather every ounce of her strength to keep from crumpling to the floor. She had wanted a father for Sarah, but she’d also wanted a husband for herself. Someone who would love them both. Who would love her like she’d never been loved in her whole life. Unconditionally, passionately and without reserve.

  Eric wasn’t offering that. At least, not to her. Pain gripped her heart with such intensity she nearly cried out. Was this the first step to losing her daughter to him?

  “She’s not like other children,” Staci blurted out. If any part of the old Eric existed, he’d balk at claiming a child that was anything less than perfect.

  Eric nodded. “Your friend mentioned that she was born with a type of dwarfism.”

  Staci jerked back. He knew and yet he was still here? “And that doesn’t bother you?”

  “It would have bothered the man I was when I was with you. For too many years I denied myself a relationship with my sister because of her dwarfism. I won’t make the same mistake with my daughter.”

  Staci’s brow creased. “Your sister has what Sarah has?”

  “I don’t know. Your friend didn’t know the exact type of dwarfism Sarah has.”

  “Pseudoachondroplasia. It means—“

  “I know what it means,” Eric said. “When I finally made things right with Victoria, I found out all I could about dwarfism and her diagnosis.” He paused. “Part of the reason I didn’t want to have children was because of Tori. Because of my fear of having a child like her.”

  As Staci stared at Eric, she wondered what she’d ever seen in the man. No doubt it was having her first taste of male attention that had started it. The fact that he was good-looking and charming had helped. And he’d treated her well—or so she’d thought at the time. She was so used to having someone organize and run her life she hadn’t objected when Eric had done it, too. Now, however, she’d balk if someone told her how she should do things. The woman she was now would never have fallen for the man Eric had been six years ago.

  The question was…what kind of man was he today?

  Staci had no words. She stood in the room with the man who had been her world at one time—yet he was a stranger to her now. It left her wondering if there was any way they could work things out as Sarah’s parents. Would they be able to come to any agreements when neither of them knew the other anymore? She could see the potential for pitfalls all over the place—starting with the expectations of how the other would react based on past experiences. Staci had a feeling that misunderstandings were going to be the name of the game.

  “The doctor told me it wasn’t hereditary,” Sarah said. “He said that if neither of us were affected, the chances were high it came from a gene mutation. There can’t be any connection between what your sister has and what Sarah has.”

  “I guess it’s just a very strange coincidence. Kind of like us meeting up at the camp again.” Eric turned his gaze back to the pictures on the fireplace mantle. “Can I see her?”

  “She’s napping, Eric. She’s had the flu for the past two days, so she’s exhausted.” Staci lifted her chin. “I’m not going to wake her.”

  Eric nodded. “I understand.” He walked past her to the doorway. The front door opened with a gust of cold air. He turned back and reached out to grasp her arm.

  Even through the thickness of her sweater, her body responded to his touch. Her breath whooshed out of her lungs—not out of fear, but because of things she’d rather forget.

  “Don’t run, Anastacia,” Eric said to her, his gaze intense. He bent his head down to her. “I let my search for you lapse, but I would never stop searching for my daughter. Never.”

  Staci met his gaze without flinching. She would do what was best for Sarah. Since she’d been her mother for five years, Staci felt confident she was the only person qualified to determine that.

  Eric released her arm and with a nod of his head, left the house, closing the door behind him. Staci reached out and turned the lock. She braced her hands on the door and took several deep breaths.

  Her first instinct was to do everything he wanted when it came to Sarah, thinking that if she cooperated with Eric from now on, no more surprises would pop up. But there was a huge part of her that balked at the idea of once again putting aside her own feelings and opinions in deference to him. That’s how it had once been. She couldn’t let it go that way again.

  But at all costs, she wanted to avoid pushing him to the point where he’d file for joint custody. She didn’t know him well enough now to be certain that he could be the father Sarah needed.

  Staci had a feeling the tug of war concerning what she should do was just beginning.

  As Eric approached the on-ramp to I-694, he slowed for a moment. His apartment was the opposite direction from his parents at this juncture. Part of him wanted to go tell his family all he’d learned today. They had another grandchild. A niece to go with the nephew already in the family. But what could he tell them about her? Sure he could give a basic overview. She was beautiful and like her aunt. He didn’t know what food she liked to eat. Or her favorite color. Not even her favorite show on television. All things a father should know.

  Eric turned in the direction of his home. He needed some time to let this sink in. Anger. Regret. Disappointment. They all coursed through his veins in varying degrees. All of it was directed at himself. Not at Staci. She’d done what she thought was right for her and for their unborn child. There was no doubt in Eric’s mind that Sarah would be a far different child had she been raised in the environment that he and Staci had lived in. If she’d even been allowed to live.

  He had no one to blame but himself for the man he’d become as he’d left his teen years behind. Oh, he’d felt justified in blaming his father, but there were points along the way where he could have made different choices.

  Eric pulled his car into the underground garage and turned off the engine. He gathered up his Bible and the bulletin from the church service that morning. Once inside the condo, he put them on the counter and turned his cell phone back on. He’d switched it off when he’d gone to see Staci to make sure they had no interruptions.

  There were no messages on the cell, so he set it on top of his Bible. He stood for a moment in the kitchen, uncertain of what to do next. What did one do when they found out for the first time that they had a daughter? A five-year-old daughter?

  His world had been blown out of orbit. Control and order had been wrenched from his grasp. He felt like a boat adrift on a huge ocean with no sign of the shore in sight. It was an unfamiliar feeling, one he didn’t like.

  Eric peeled off his jacket and dropped it over the back of a chair. He loosened his tie and headed for his bedroom. In ten minutes, he was in the gym he’d set up in his spare room, muscles burning as he pumped more weight than usual. He’d worked out many a problem in his life while pumping iron.

  Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be working as well this time.

  “So you’re telling me that you want to leave the company?” Marcus Black asked, his hands resting on the desk in front of him, fingers intertwined.

  “Not want, Marcus. I need to leave BlackThorpe.”

  “What’s wrong with your job?”

  Eric looked across the desk at the man he admired and had enjoyed working for. “Only one thing. The pressure I’m getting to take a long-term overseas assignment.”

  Marcus leaned back in his chair, a frown on his face. “That was part of your contract, right? No overseas assignments?”

  “Yes, that was in the contract.”

  “So you’re saying that the only reason you’re leaving is because of that?”

  Eric nodded. “I don’t want to leave Blackthorpe. I just feel that my requests to not be pressured into taking them have been brushed aside.”

  “You’ve talked with someone about this already?”

  “Of course.” Eric hoped he didn’t sound as indignant as he felt. “I wouldn’t be making a move like this if I hadn’t exhausted my efforts here. I spoke to John Timmons several times about it. Mentioned that my contract precluded assignments like the one to Africa.”

  “Well, your resignation letter was the first I’d heard of it.” Marcus’s brow creased over his intense blue eyes as he leaned forward. “Let’s chat here, Eric.”

  Staci got up Monday morning, determined to keep her usual schedule. After Sarah picked out her outfit, she helped the little girl get dressed. Thankfully, she’d eaten a huge breakfast, which showed more than anything that she was doing one hundred percent better than just twenty-four hours earlier.

  Surprisingly, there had been no early morning call from Eric. She hadn’t given him her number but so far he’d managed to figure out everything else in her life. Getting a phone number should be a snap for him.

  “Going to the ‘tudio, Mama?” Sarah asked.

  “Yep. Did you get your videos?”

  Sarah lifted the bag from the floor next to her. Staci bundled them both up and headed out for the car. The sun was shining, but the air held a bite to it. A typical January morning in Minnesota.

  The drive only took ten minutes. Though she could have had her studio in the home, she decided to lease a space instead. Choosing a location close to the house had been the compromise. She pulled to a stop in front of the strip mall. Sarah darted ahead and waited for her at the door.

  Once inside the studio, Staci put the lunch she brought into the small fridge. Sarah knew her routine and settled into the tiny playroom Staci had set up. Because she had no immediate lesson, she left the door between the piano room and the playroom open as she took the time to practice herself.

  As in years past, her music was her release. Into the notes, she poured her confusion, her pain, and hurt. For the first time in several years, turmoil ruled her world again. She didn’t like it. Not at all. She was angry at Eric. Six years ago she’d been hurt when he’d not done what she’d hoped. Today…today she was just plain mad.

  Why couldn’t he have left her alone?

  He had always said the last place he’d ever live was Minneapolis. She’d counted on that when she’d looked for a place to settle after leaving California. Why was he here?

  Eric headed for Philip’s as soon as his meeting with Marcus was over.

  “Is Philip available?” Eric asked the secretary behind the desk in the main area of Philip’s suite of offices.

  “If you’ll give me your name, I’ll check.” The woman stood and looked at him expectantly.

  “Eric McKinley. I spoke with him last week.”

  “Have a seat.” The secretary waved toward the chairs against the plate glass window. “I’ll be right back.”