This Time with Love: A Christian Romance (The McKinleys Book 1) Read online

  Eric wanted to argue with her, but he understood what she was saying—he just didn’t like it very much. He took a step back from her. “I wouldn’t try to convince you to do anything like that now. My life has changed as well since we were together.” Even as he said the words, Eric knew that she would be a big temptation for him, too. Just seeing her again, he felt that pull. It surprised him with its strength after so many years apart. “Well, maybe if God wills it, we’ll run into each other again sometime.”

  Ana didn’t respond, just stared at him with her big blue eyes before turning and walking away.

  Staci blinked then blinked again. Moisture threatened to flood her eyes and spill down her cheeks. It shouldn’t have been this hard. Their relationship had ended six years ago. That should have been more than enough time for her feelings to disappear. But looking at him again, seeing all the things that had attracted her to him in the first place, made it hard to deny the fact that she still felt…something for him.

  But right now protecting her little girl was more important than anything else. Sarah, her precious daughter, who would never grow taller than three or four feet. Who would have to live a life filled with challenges because of some people’s inability to accept those who weren’t like them. Staci couldn’t chance that Eric would react in a similar way.

  She knew perfection was important to him. He hadn’t just wanted that from her, he’d held himself to that same standard. Working out regularly. Dressing immaculately and always having his hair perfectly groomed. From the looks of him now, that was still how he lived his life. He may have been wearing jeans, but they would no doubt be expensive brand name ones, and the white long sleeve cotton shirt he wore with them had been perfectly pressed.

  I wonder what he thinks of me now. She finally allowed herself to entertain the thought that had been on the edges of her mind since seeing him again. Staci knew her body had filled out—pregnancy tended to do that. She hadn’t fought to lose the remainder of the weight she’d gained while pregnant. In fact, she’d kind of enjoyed having a few more curves. In those first couple of years, it had seemed very important to become the total opposite of the person she’d once been. That had included growing her hair out and keeping the extra weight.

  For too long she’d worked to present the image everyone else thought she should. Staci liked herself better now. But if Eric’s idea of perfection was who she had been, maybe it was as much for her own sake as Sarah’s that she couldn’t let him back into her life. A lot of things may have changed, but rejection by the man she loved was something she could handle only once in her lifetime.

  “Hey. You feeling sick again?”

  She had been so lost in her thoughts, Staci hadn’t seen Denise approach. She gave her friend a weak smile—it was all she could muster up at that point. “Yeah. I think I’m going to go back to the cabin and lie down.”

  “You don’t feel up to staying for the late night fellowship?”

  Staci shook her head. “I want to enjoy tomorrow, so I think I’ll call it a night and get some extra rest.”

  “Okay. I’ll try to be quiet when I come in.”

  “No problem. I brought ear plugs.”

  Denise gave her one last look before allowing Philip to lead her away. Staci pulled her jacket on and left the lodge. The night was clear so the stars stood in vivid contrast to the black sky. At any other time, she would have enjoyed the sight, but tonight she wanted nothing more than to burrow beneath the blankets on her bed and retreat from the world.

  Once in her room, Staci changed into a pair of sweats and a large t-shirt. She spread out the sleeping bag and blanket she’d brought along. They’d all had to come with their own bedding since the camp was not outfitted with enough for their whole group. Staci turned off the overhead light and left the door open just a crack so a little light from the main room shone in. She slid into the sleeping bag and plumped her pillow.

  Curled up on the lumpy mattress, Staci allowed herself to indulge in a wash of tears. It had been quite some time since she’d cried. And it would be a while before she’d do it again. Tonight, and only tonight, would she allow herself to feel the pain of lost love.

  Tomorrow she had to be strong, but in the semi-dark of the room, so far from home, she cried for what might have been.

  Overnight, Eric had decided that he wouldn’t look for Ana, wouldn’t seek her out. Yet the minute he walked into the dining room for breakfast the next morning, his gaze circled the room—searching.

  He found her friends first then saw her sitting next to them. Her blonde hair was braided and hung over her shoulder. She wore a dark blue sweater that stood in vivid contrast to her hair and no doubt brought out the blue of her eyes. He’d always loved her in blue. It was a color that looked perfect on her.

  He took a step in her direction then halted. He couldn’t push her. She had disappeared once, she could do it again. It seemed that perhaps the best way to do this was to get to know the woman and man she spent time with. Though she had made her argument about not staying in contact, he wasn’t able to completely let her go. All he needed was a conduit, a channel, to keep up to date on what was going on in her life. Eric couldn’t bear the thought of completely losing contact with her again. Seeing her had brought every other relationship he’d had with a woman into sharp focus. She was the reason he’d never been able to connect with them the way they wanted. How could he when the shadow of Ana lingered in his heart?

  He spent the rest of the day waiting for the opportunity to talk with Ana’s friends. He didn’t know if Ana was trying to avoid him because he didn’t give her the chance to. True to her request, he left her alone.

  CHAPTER THREE

  STACI spent the day on pins and needles. She kept an eye on Eric, ready to move if he approached her. It was almost anti-climactic when he never came near her. She had stuck close to Denise and Philip most the day, just in case, but as dinner ended, Ana decided to take some time to go back to the cabin and freshen up. The next part of the evening would last until midnight when they rang in the New Year all together.

  She took a few minutes to phone Miriam and Sarah. They were having a grand time watching videos and eating popcorn. Miriam assured her that Sarah would be in bed well before midnight.

  “Are you going to be all alone when the clock strikes midnight?” Staci asked.

  “I certainly hope so,” Miriam replied with a chuckle. “I plan to be in bed.”

  “You’re not staying up?”

  “I’ve rung in enough new years that I’m not worried about missing this one.”

  “Thank you, Miriam.” Staci finished the call and hung up. She flopped back onto the bed and stared up at the bunk above her. Initials had been etched into the wood. She reached up and traced the rough lines, wondering about the person who had carved them.

  As a child, she’d never been allowed to attend a camp like this. This would have been considered a frivolous waste of time. If it hadn’t revolved around school work or her music, it hadn’t been allowed. That she’d ever had the courage to break free from her parents still amazed her. And breaking free from them had given her the strength to break free from Eric, too.

  Staci rubbed a hand over her eyes. She curled onto her side, seeing her daughter in her mind. Her eyes were the same dark brown as Eric’s. He may not have been in her life, but not one day during the past six years had gone by without her thinking of him. How could she not when her daughter was a constant reminder?

  Wary of giving in to the emotions of the night before, Staci sat up. She went to the small bathroom in the cabin to splash water on her face. Taking a deep breath, she stared at herself in the mirror. Dark circles beneath her eyes showed the lack of sleep she’d had the night before. Tonight would probably not be any better. Chances were, she wouldn’t sleep well until she was safely back home. Away from Eric. Away from her past.

  Not wanting Denise to come in search of her, Staci only took a few minutes to fix her makeup and hair. The walk back to the lodge was cold, but refreshing. She felt more rejuvenated when she walked into the warmth of the lodge. Immediately, she spotted Eric sitting near the fireplace with a man who had spiky dark blond hair and was wearing a bright red shirt. Their gazes met, but he didn’t get up or do anything to make her feel threatened.

  Had he truly gotten the message?

  Staci glanced around to find Denise and Philip. They were seated with others from their church, and she made her way across the crowded room to join them. Before she could say anything, the worship team invited the group gathered there to sing with them.

  If it hadn’t been for her turmoil over Eric, Staci would have thoroughly enjoyed the evening. She loved music and right then the choruses and hymns they sang were soothing. She closed her eyes and tried to let all her concerns slip away. As the minutes ticked by, Staci found herself relaxing. This would all work out, she was sure it would.

  Midnight drew closer and as it did, memories began to work their way into her mind.

  A kiss.

  A touch.

  The start of a new year with the man she loved.

  Would she ever experience that again?

  “Let the countdown begin!” the leader encouraged them. “Ten…nine…eight…”

  Staci joined in the count as they headed into the New Year. Once the clock over the fireplace began to strike midnight, people all around the room cheered and began to hug each other. To her right, Denise and Philip shared a kiss. Fighting a jab of jealousy, Staci looked away from them and right into Eric’s gaze.

  In his expression, she saw the shared remembrance of years past. Her heart clenched with a bittersweet yearning. The two New Year’s Eves she’d spent with him had been her happiest up to that point. And now, as the
y shared the memories through a glance across a crowded room, it reinforced the very reason why they couldn’t be around each other.

  Breathless at the memory, Staci looked away. She touched the base of her neck and the necklace she still wore after all these years. Beneath the texture of her sweater, she felt the shape of the pendant. It was a musical note with a diamond inset in it. His gift to her for their last Christmas together. Only she hadn’t known—and neither had he—that was what it was.

  Swallowing, Staci turned away and gave Denise a hug. “Happy New Year!”

  A few others in their group joined them for hugs as well. It took about ten minutes for the noise to dim. When things had finally settled down, some of the people began to leave the room. Others settled back into their seats, chatting with those around them.

  “I’m going to the cabin. Are you hanging around here?” Staci asked Denise.

  “Yeah, but I’ll walk with you. I want to grab something.”

  Arm in arm they left the lodge. “So, we met a friend of yours tonight. Although he knew you as Ana.”

  She should have known that he wouldn’t just leave her alone. “That’s an old nickname.”

  They had reached the steps of the porch and climbed up together. Denise opened the door and warmth rushed out to greet them. Once inside, Denise turned to her. “How do you get Ana from Staci?”

  “My full name is Anastacia.”

  Denise stared at her for a long moment then something sparked in her expression, and her eyes widened. “The Anastacia?”

  “I suppose that depends on who you’re talking about.” Staci tried to put off the inevitable revelation. How on earth had Denise made the connection from just the name? Though it wasn’t a surprisingly common name, it also wasn’t that rare.

  “The pianist. I have all your CDs.”

  Staci nodded. “Yes. I know.”

  “I’ve always thought there was something vaguely familiar about you but could never put my finger on it. You look different from the pictures I’ve seen of you.” Her brows drew together as she scowled. “Why didn’t you tell me? How could you keep such a secret?”

  “It wasn’t that I wanted to keep it a secret, it was just part of a life that I was trying to leave behind.”

  “And Eric is part of that life?”

  “Yes. He was an old friend.” That was an understatement. “It was a bit of a shock to see him again.”

  “Philip recognized him.”

  Staci shot her a startled look. “Recognized Eric?”

  Denise nodded. “There was lots of footage of him following his release.”

  “Release? From what?” Staci was beginning to wonder if they really had met her Eric.

  Denise gave her a quizzical look. “You don’t know? He was kidnaped while in Iraq three or four years ago. He was released a little while later.”

  A sick feeling flooded Staci. She hadn’t known. In the years following Sarah’s birth, her world had narrowed considerably. She’d rarely watched the news. All that had been important at that time was setting up her new life and adapting to the fact that her daughter needed special attention.

  She pressed a hand to her stomach. “I had no idea.”

  “He wasn’t sure if he’d get a chance to talk to you before the retreat was over, so he just wanted to know what church we were from. Said he might stop by.”

  The walls pressed in on Staci. She should have known better. In the time they’d been together, Eric had never, ever given up on something.

  Was running her only option once again?

  Denise touched her arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you with that news. I just assumed you knew.”

  Staci gave her a weak smile. “It’s not your fault. I cut off contact with all my friends in LA when I became a Christian. My life had to change then, and it meant leaving behind all the people I knew. Making a clean break was the best thing I could do.”

  “I understand.” Denise reached out and gave her a hug.

  Staci gathered herself together. “You need to get back to Philip. He’s going to be wondering where you are.”

  “You’re going to be okay?”

  “I always am.” She gave Denise what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’m going to head out first thing in the morning.”

  “Missing your girl?”

  “More than I thought possible.” Staci covered her mouth to hide a yawn.

  “I guess it’s good you insisted on bringing your own car then.”

  “Yep.” Desperately needing to be alone, she gave her friend another hug and sent her on her way.

  Tremors set in as soon as Denise left the cabin. Staci walked to the room on shaking legs. She barely made it to the bed before they gave out from under her. A cacophony of emotion thundered through her.

  Fear led the way.

  The next morning, Eric wasn’t surprised to not see Ana…Staci. He had a hard time thinking of her as Staci. To him, she’d always be Ana, but if he hoped to fit into her world, he needed to begin calling her by what she wanted to be known as now.

  After breakfast, most of the people began packing up and leaving. Some planned to stay and enjoy the day, but Eric was among those heading back to the Twin Cities early. He had unfinished business that needed tending. First up was Melanie. When he’d called before leaving the camp, she’d agreed to meet with him for lunch.

  Since it was on his way, he stopped by his folks’ place in Rogers to check on them.

  “Eric! Happy New Year!” his mom said when she let him in the back door of the house.

  The warmth of her greeting created a welcome that embraced Eric. He let out a deep breath and felt tension he hadn’t even recognized ease from his shoulders.

  “Want a cup of coffee?”

  “That would be great.” Eric watched as his mom got a mug from the cupboard and filled it with coffee. With quick movements, she added a teaspoon of sugar, a splash of cream and gave it a stir. She set in front of him. “Just as you like it.”

  “Thanks, Mom.” Eric took a swallow. It still surprised him that not only were his parents back in his life, but he was enjoying a relationship with them in a way he never thought he would. “Dad not here?”

  Caroline McKinley set a plate containing several cookies and a couple of muffins in front of him. “He’s at Victoria’s. She needed help putting together that bookcase we gave her for Christmas. Did you need to talk to him?”

  “No. I just thought he’d be here.” Eric took another sip of his coffee. He set the mug on the table and ran his fingers along the smooth edge of the handle. “I found Ana.”

  “Really?” His mom abandoned the cloth she’d been using to wipe the counter and came to sit across from Eric. “I thought you’d given up on that.”

  Eric stared at his mom, wondering as he did, that he’d never recognized her quiet strength when he was younger. All he’d seen was how she took his dad back after he’d cheated on her. He’d humiliated her—more than just the affair. They’d had to leave their mission assignment in Africa and eventually the mission altogether because of what his father had done. He’d hated him for years because of all that had happened since it had robbed them of the life they’d loved. He and his younger sister, Brooke, had loved Africa and their adjustment back to life in the US had been rough.

  His mom’s face showed the years. Lines bracketed her eyes and mouth. Her hair had long since turned gray. Yet there was a peaceful beauty about her that Eric had never seen in anyone else. He mourned the years he’d foolishly spent far away from his family, hoping to distance himself from all they believed in. God had been gracious in giving him another chance instead of abandoning him to his bad choices and lifestyle.

  His mom reached over and placed her hand over his briefly. “Are you okay? Was there something wrong with Ana?”

  “Staci,” Eric said. “She goes by Staci now.”

  “Is Staci okay? How did you find her?”

  “Surprisingly enough, we kind of found each other.” Eric took a cookie from the plate and bit into it. He swallowed, took a swig of the coffee and said, “I ran into her at the singles’ retreat I was just at.”